Census this: Aussie sex survey on again

AS I CLICKED through the Fairfax warning regarding accessing inappropriate content online, I wondered how many other gainfully employed people around the country were preparing to fill out The Great Australian Sex Census at their desk at 9.30am on a Thursday morning.

At first I was a little apprehensive about my boss asking me to access a redhotpie.com-sponsored link on company time, but as Hunter S. Thompson used to say, I am, after all, a professional.

I check my occupation – Advertising/PR/Media – and realise how unsexy the whole gamut of professions becomes when broken down into these broad categories, not to mention the fact that I have to just sit by and be grouped alongside Kochie.

There are so many variables: Heathcare/Medical could alternately refer to a hot nurse or a creepy morgue assistant, or even better, a hot morgue assistant.

Then the tough questions around my body shape – I would have been honest and checked the ‘malnourished/labour camp’ option if it was there, but I had to go for boring old ‘slim’ instead.

Then straight into questions about my pubic hair: whether it is shaved, sculpted or moulded into the shape of a Cornish game hen.

I had to be honest with my pubic hair categorisation in that, like a $7 bottle of orange juice or a bag of organic potatoes, it can only be regarded as natural.

My peers usually recoil in horror when I reveal this, but the census did not judge me and this solidified my confidence to head into questions around penis size, masturbation and having sex on a bus.

As for the question about preferred penis size, I was surprised there was no option for the men out there who yearn for a smaller penis, so I am wondering how those poor devils will have their voices heard.

My preference for breasts was limited to a choice between A, B, C, D, DD, or “bigger” and, siding with giggling 14-year-olds everywhere, I went with the latter option.

I also noticed ‘daily’ is the most frequent selection one can make for how often they masturbate, so I had to wonder if they are really giving our unemployed friends the opportunity for full disclosure.

When weighing up the sexiest professions, it was a toss-up between Transport/Logistics/Warehousing, Occupational Health and Safety, or Agricultural.

The Great Australian Sex Census is measuring the habits of Australians again for 2014.

The Great Australian Sex Census is measuring the habits of Australians again for 2014.

As often as I fantasise over the logistical efficiency of your average Australia Post worker and my office’s approved fire evacuation routes, Agricultural had to take the cake – I am a natural kind of guy after all.

Take the Great Australian Sex Census yourself here.