A close shave with Movember

It’s worse when I try to do something with it, like shape some sort of beard. No hipster I, what appeared merely naturally creepy now looks deliberately so – he’s done that to himself! – and I noticed people putting themselves between me and their children.

The only arrangement I can get away with involving facial hair is the Jobsian number-one-all-over but anyone can do that, its egalitarianism being its second chief advantage after ease of maintenance.

So forget a moustache from me, I’m sorry. I thought I would give it a go and I’ve been building up a head of whiskers but I Skyped with my wife and even though she’s a long way away she wasn’t happy.

“Please,” she said, “Not even through Skype. It’s my birthday month and I have to look at you. You know how I feel about moustaches.” She’s French and they have strong opinions about, well, everything really.

With enough cheap wine I can get a three-day growth and I explained it was for a good cause and I wanted to do it.

“There has to be another way,” she said. She is a remarkable flirt and had just told me how handsome I was. Since she is the only person on the planet who does this, I pay a dog-and-tennis-ball kind of attention.

There is another way, of course, and the good news is that, ladies, this applies to you, too (I’m an equal opportunity idealist): find a dude who’s taking one for the team and growing a mo’ this month and give them money. Lots of money. Then get your friends to give them money, and so on.

Another thing everyone can do is to never, ever hang crap on a guy in a moment of weakness or vulnerability. If a bloke has a moment where he opens up or sheds a tear then honour that moment – you’re seeing something special, a man taking responsibility for changing the culture.

I had a good cry in the office last week and after I explained why the crew offered condolences and we got back to work.

They were great. A twirl of the moustache to them, and good luck to all mo’ dudes.

– Jeremy Hedley