AS I CLICKED through the Fairfax warning regarding accessing inappropriate content online, I wondered how many other gainfully employed people around the country were preparing to fill out The Great Australian Sex Census at their desk at 9.30am on a Thursday morning.
At first I was a little apprehensive about my boss asking me to access a redhotpie.com-sponsored link on company time, but as Hunter S. Thompson used to say, I am, after all, a professional.
I check my occupation – Advertising/PR/Media – and realise how unsexy the whole gamut of professions becomes when broken down into these broad categories, not to mention the fact that I have to just sit by and be grouped alongside Kochie.
There are so many variables: Heathcare/Medical could alternately refer to a hot nurse or a creepy morgue assistant, or even better, a hot morgue assistant.
Then the tough questions around my body shape – I would have been honest and checked the ‘malnourished/labour camp’ option if it was there, but I had to go for boring old ‘slim’ instead.
Then straight into questions about my pubic hair: whether it is shaved, sculpted or moulded into the shape of a Cornish game hen.
I had to be honest with my pubic hair categorisation in that, like a $7 bottle of orange juice or a bag of organic potatoes, it can only be regarded as natural.
My peers usually recoil in horror when I reveal this, but the census did not judge me and this solidified my confidence to head into questions around penis size, masturbation and having sex on a bus.
As for the question about preferred penis size, I was surprised there was no option for the men out there who yearn for a smaller penis, so I am wondering how those poor devils will have their voices heard.
My preference for breasts was limited to a choice between A, B, C, D, DD, or “bigger” and, siding with giggling 14-year-olds everywhere, I went with the latter option.
I also noticed ‘daily’ is the most frequent selection one can make for how often they masturbate, so I had to wonder if they are really giving our unemployed friends the opportunity for full disclosure.
When weighing up the sexiest professions, it was a toss-up between Transport/Logistics/Warehousing, Occupational Health and Safety, or Agricultural.
As often as I fantasise over the logistical efficiency of your average Australia Post worker and my office’s approved fire evacuation routes, Agricultural had to take the cake – I am a natural kind of guy after all.
Take the Great Australian Sex Census yourself here.