Farmers Watching Farmers Wanting Wives is a special Voice of Real Australia newsletter from Julia "Sunset" Wythes, Hayley "Picnics" Warden and Ashley "Throw Cushions in the Ute Tray" Walmsley, bringing you all the daily drama of the reality TV show.
We begin episode 4 for Farmer Wants a Wife with a feeling much like when you see the shearer take off his handpiece at 5.30pm - immense relief and like you need a shower.
Once again this episode opens with the boys looking hunky and talking about finding love.
We hear Farmer Joe saying he wants a partner that "can take the bull by the horns".
We get your drift, Joe, but maybe don't utter that phrase near the ladies - it is likely one of them will merrily trot off and give it a crack.
The ladies are breathing a sigh of relief after a handful of chicks were given the boot the night before.
Karli goes and shows off her skills on the pineapple planter with Farmer Bert - while fixing her hair the whole time.
"Done!" they yell, and jump off mid row, leaving the poor bugger driving the tractor abandoned.
Sam Farmytage keeps calling Farmer Dustin's place at Condobolin "remote".
Crikey, it's not that bad, Sam - I mean, Condo has a Super IGA Plus Liquor.
Anyway, Dustin and his girls are attempting to wash work dogs. They are literally dumping the dogs into too-small plastic tubs on the lawn.
But he's clearly keen to charm the women.
"I haven't had a shower for three days," he states.
Maybe there are women to date at Condo. They just aren't going near Dustin.
At Farmer Tom's farm at Tabilk, Victoria, he informs the girls they need to call the cows by yelling "come on in a cow voice", something Lleyton Hewitt had been doing for years.
They then show the cows running like mad - but surely that was more from the drone spooking them than the expert cow yelling.
Over at Farmer Dean's, they are all standing watching his cattle eating and ruminating on the fact all vying for the one dude kind of sucks. Imagine how the cows feel.
But the best way to learn about farm life is leaving it after only a few days.
Sam announces she has invited them to their first get-together at a country show, which is generally where all the poop hits the fan.
They turn up at the Morisset Country Show. The girls from each farm scream and hug each other like they didn't see each other literally three days ago.
Like every year, more than one girl gets on a mechanical bull in a skirt.
The boys are also catching up with a beer over a 44 by calling each other "big rooster".
They tell each other who their favourites are and who they have been doing "a bit of cute stuff out in the paddock" with.
Then the girls are grouped together so they can complain about the farmers and each other.
But over at the 44, Farmer Dean has a secret. Well, not a secret - a text the producers want him to share.
The perfectly-timed text says that Teegan has a boyfriend already and is leading him on.
Sam Farmytage gets them all together and asks if they are used to the smell of livestock yet. She tells them farmers have to choose one lady to take on a solo date, triggering more scrambling than missing a lamb in the drafting race, with just as much chasing and tackling going on.
Sam then adds to the crazy - she has had a very unusual request.
"It has never EVER happened before on Farmer Wants a Wife," she says.
Oh my gosh - is a farmer going to admit they still live with their mum?
Nope - apparently one of Bert's girls who wasn't invited to the farm has begged to come back for a second chance.
Oh man. This sets a precedent for every cull.
But she's not even back for Bert - she's taking aim at another farmer.
Olivia is back to "shoot her shot". "I don't want to be overly confident, but I'm feeling pretty good," she says, like a roo trying all the holes in the fence to see which one it can fit through.
The best part is the slow-mo shot of her strutting through the crowd in a red dress - and all the people gaping at her for acting like a pork chop.
She swans up the front and says she thought Farmer Joe was hot.
They even shoot back to barrel room footage of her saying "can we swap?" as Joe walked in. She's just a treasure.
This is about as awkward as it gets. Farmer Joe is looking like he's about to get the runs.
Apparently he's got until the end of the night to decide if she can come back to his farm.
She tells Farmer Joe's ladies she's not there to step on their toes - just to steal their dude. It's completely different.
Anyway, it's rodeo time, and there's nothing more sexy than seeing Farmer Dean dance like he's on fire.
The news about Teegan having a secret boyfriend is making the rounds quicker than Olivia.
One of Tom's girls Taylah is quick to spill the beans to Tiffany.
Tiffany marches over and makes the announcement to the group. Dean looks like a deer in the headlights, which is pretty much his look.
Teegan storms off and he dashes after her. She denies it, and the other girls are spewing that it seems to have brought them closer.
Meanwhile, Farmer Joe and Obnoxious Olivia get to know each other on those romantic piles of rugs, cushions and candles in jars so often found at rodeos.
Everywhere people are playing sideshow games and running off for a pash on a rug.
Farmer Joe pashes Keely. Karli and Farmer Bert pash on a rug. He tells her 'his mind is a marshmallow'.
Then she goes to find an ally - Obnoxious Olivia.
This is how all good friendships begin:
Karli: They've all turned on me. They think I think I'm better than them.
Obnoxious Olivia: But you're not.
Karli: But, if I'm honest, I am.
Well, that's cleared that up.
Farmer Dustin and Anna clamber onto the back of a ute for a chat and have a snog.
But over at Farmer Dean's drum, Hayley is feeling down that Dean's still all over Teegan like lice.
She ends up chucking in the towel and heading home.
It turns out for some reason Farmer Joe is impressed by Obnoxious Olivia's gall to turn up like that.
But he ends up knocking back the chance to bring her back to the farm.
The farmers are gathered to pick one lady for a solo date.
Farmer Joe picks Sarah, Farmer Dustin picks Chloe, Farmer Tom picks Sarah C, Farmer Dean picks Teegan, and Farmer Bert picks Caitlin.
Karli has a meltdown. She is better than everyone else, after all.
Farmer Wants a Wife is on Seven
